There’s a particular phrase that should make every leader’s internal alarm bells go off:
“That’s just my personality.”
It usually shows up right after feedback like:
- “You come across as abrasive.”
- “People feel shut down in meetings with you.”
- “Your tone is creating tension on the team.”
And instead of curiosity, you get a shrug. A defense. A quiet refusal to change.
Let’s be blunt: when someone hides behind “personality,” what they’re often protecting is unexamined behavior that gets results at someone else’s expense.
At Leadership Cafe, we need to challenge a dangerous myth:
Personality is not a free pass for poor behavior.
The Comfort of the Personality Excuse
For the employee, labeling abrasiveness as “just who I am” is incredibly convenient. It removes responsibility. It reframes feedback as an attack on identity rather than an opportunity for growth.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
Personality explains behavior. It does not excuse it.
If someone’s “personality” consistently:
- shuts people down
- creates fear or tension
- limits collaboration
- or damages trust
…then it’s not a personality trait worth protecting—it’s a leadership liability.
And if you’re a leader tolerating it, it’s your liability too.
Stop Arguing About Personality
One of the biggest mistakes leaders make is debating personality with the employee.
“Are you really abrasive?”
“I don’t think you’re that bad.”
“Maybe people are just too sensitive.”
This is a dead end.
You don’t need agreement on labels. You need accountability for impact.
Shift the conversation immediately:
👉 Not: “Are you abrasive?”
👉 But: “Here’s the impact your behavior is having.”
Because behavior is observable. Impact is measurable. Personality is… debatable and irrelevant in this context.
Make the Invisible Visible
People who default to abrasiveness often lack awareness—not intelligence, not capability—awareness.
They don’t see:
- how their tone lands
- how quickly they cut others off
- how their urgency feels like aggression
Your job is to make that visible.
Be specific. Not vague.
Instead of:
“You can be a bit harsh.”
Say:
“In yesterday’s meeting, you interrupted Sarah three times and said, ‘This isn’t complicated,’ which caused her to stop contributing for the rest of the discussion.”
Now we’re not talking about personality. We’re talking about behavior in a moment.
And behavior can be changed.
Draw a Hard Line Between Identity and Choice
Here’s where the conversation gets provocative—and necessary.
You must separate who they are from what they choose to do.
Try this:
“I’m not asking you to change your personality. I’m asking you to change specific behaviors that are hurting your effectiveness.”
This does two things:
- It reduces defensiveness (you’re not attacking identity)
- It removes the escape hatch (they can’t hide behind personality anymore)
Because if it’s a behavior, it’s a choice.
And if it’s a choice, it can be different.
Raise the Stakes
If the behavior continues, many leaders soften. They accommodate. They work around the person.
That’s a mistake.
You need to connect behavior to consequences—clearly and unapologetically.
Not as a threat. As reality.
“If this continues, it will limit your ability to lead projects and influence decisions.”
Or more directly:
“This behavior is already impacting how others trust and collaborate with you.”
High performers who rely on abrasiveness often believe their results justify their style.
Your job is to dismantle that belief:
Results do not excuse collateral damage.
Replace, Don’t Just Remove
Telling someone to “stop being abrasive” is useless. You’re removing a tool without giving them a replacement.
Abrasiveness often masks:
- impatience
- high standards
- desire for efficiency
- discomfort with ambiguity
Those aren’t bad things. But the expression is.
So give them alternatives:
- Instead of interrupting → “Let’s pause—can I build on that?”
- Instead of dismissing → “Help me understand your thinking.”
- Instead of blunt critique → “Here’s what’s working, and here’s what I’d adjust.”
You’re not asking them to be softer.
You’re asking them to be more effective communicators.
Don’t Normalize It—Even If It “Works”
Here’s the most uncomfortable part for many organizations:
Abrasive people often get results.
They push. They challenge. They drive outcomes.
And so leaders tolerate them.
But what’s the hidden cost?
- Ideas that never get voiced
- Talent that quietly disengages
- Teams that comply instead of commit
You may get short-term output, but you’re eroding long-term performance.
A culture that tolerates abrasiveness is a culture that trades psychological safety for speed—and eventually loses both.
The Bottom Line
When an employee says, “That’s just my personality,” they’re drawing a line.
The question is: Will you accept it?
Because if you do, you’re sending a clear message to everyone else:
“This is what we tolerate here.”
Helping someone change this pattern isn’t about fixing them.
It’s about refusing to let identity be an excuse for behavior that damages the team.
And the leaders who get this right don’t soften the message—they sharpen it:
You can be direct.
You can be driven.
You can be intense.
But you do not get to be ineffective with people and call it personality.
That’s not authenticity.
That’s avoidance.
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